Amazing how much life can change after you take drugs.
October 14th 2006 00:24
Today has been a fun day with my children. I don't think I've ever laughed so much with them. Today, I got a reality check on how quickly my children are growing, and how smart they both are. Aislinn and I have giggled through most of this day. We also had a few serious discussions. One was quite involved with talk of antibodies, innoculations, breastfeeding, and evolution. It's just so awesome that I can TALK to her like this.
It wasn't to long ago, when the mere sight of my children made me angry. Seeing their faces,and hearing their voices, forever wanting something, needing things from me. I would hear "Mo-om!!" and I would cringe and roll my eyes. I would snap "WHAT?!?" never taking my eyes off the computer screen. They always needed drinks, and food, or they were hurt, or needed help. I felt I was drowning and they were the water clogging my nose and throat. I would be waiting at the door for my husband, and I would almost always say "I'm off for the night" and go and hole up on the computer or in my room. I would shut the door, and eat my dinner alone. Sometimes I would leave, and go and sit at my moms. I'd say airily "Oh I just needed to get away" and my mother would give me a look like "I know THAT feeling" Unfortunately, my need to get away was constant, insatiable.
I've been taking anti-depressants for awhile now, and I am just amazed by how awesome my kids are, and how in my depressed fog, I was unable to see that. Since feeling better my children have improved in certain areas immensely. Some things I can't help but think "Who taught them THAT?" , since I was pretty out of it, and didn't really interact with them, except to do enough to not get CPS called to our house. Overall though, the kids seem happiers. Aislinn is starting to pick up on reading, and writing, which was something she wouldn't even try before. Jonathan has started talking like a pro, and is the smartest little man I've ever known.
I do feel guilty. I feel guitly mainly about Aislinn. I feel I've gypped her for six years. She has always known me as being snappish, and not very loving. I know when she looked at me, she didn't see love and kindness and all the good things moms should be in this world. She saw my anger and frustration toward her for so long. When I first started feeling better I saw something disturbing in her eyes. Fear. If she thought I was angry with her, she would flinch involuntarily, awaiting the assault on her ears that she was sure was coming. I almost threw up when I realized it was becuase of ME that she had fear in her eyes.
I think we're doing a good job with repairing our broken relationship. She is still strong willed, but it's not as bad, and I'm ok with it. That's who she is. I've learned to accept that I can't win every battle, and I've learned to just ignore what bothers me as long as it's safe to do so.
She's a smart girl, and she brings me so much happiness. She's getting so tall and looking more and more like a big kid everyday.
I thank God for my babies. They are why I'm here on this earth.
It wasn't to long ago, when the mere sight of my children made me angry. Seeing their faces,and hearing their voices, forever wanting something, needing things from me. I would hear "Mo-om!!" and I would cringe and roll my eyes. I would snap "WHAT?!?" never taking my eyes off the computer screen. They always needed drinks, and food, or they were hurt, or needed help. I felt I was drowning and they were the water clogging my nose and throat. I would be waiting at the door for my husband, and I would almost always say "I'm off for the night" and go and hole up on the computer or in my room. I would shut the door, and eat my dinner alone. Sometimes I would leave, and go and sit at my moms. I'd say airily "Oh I just needed to get away" and my mother would give me a look like "I know THAT feeling" Unfortunately, my need to get away was constant, insatiable.
I've been taking anti-depressants for awhile now, and I am just amazed by how awesome my kids are, and how in my depressed fog, I was unable to see that. Since feeling better my children have improved in certain areas immensely. Some things I can't help but think "Who taught them THAT?" , since I was pretty out of it, and didn't really interact with them, except to do enough to not get CPS called to our house. Overall though, the kids seem happiers. Aislinn is starting to pick up on reading, and writing, which was something she wouldn't even try before. Jonathan has started talking like a pro, and is the smartest little man I've ever known.
I do feel guilty. I feel guitly mainly about Aislinn. I feel I've gypped her for six years. She has always known me as being snappish, and not very loving. I know when she looked at me, she didn't see love and kindness and all the good things moms should be in this world. She saw my anger and frustration toward her for so long. When I first started feeling better I saw something disturbing in her eyes. Fear. If she thought I was angry with her, she would flinch involuntarily, awaiting the assault on her ears that she was sure was coming. I almost threw up when I realized it was becuase of ME that she had fear in her eyes.
I think we're doing a good job with repairing our broken relationship. She is still strong willed, but it's not as bad, and I'm ok with it. That's who she is. I've learned to accept that I can't win every battle, and I've learned to just ignore what bothers me as long as it's safe to do so.
She's a smart girl, and she brings me so much happiness. She's getting so tall and looking more and more like a big kid everyday.
I thank God for my babies. They are why I'm here on this earth.
| 68 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Summer Banks
Romance Writers
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by ChristieNY