I know you can't, but I don't think I can either.
February 21st 2007 06:50
"Do you think that maybe........?"
"I just don't think I can. I'm sorry."
"I understand."
But, do I?
This conversation has gone on a few times in my house. It's the "Maybe you could stay here and recruit" conversation. The answer I get is always "I can't, I can't do it anymore"
I wonder though, what would happen if I said that. If I said "I can't, I just can't do it anymore" I realize that this was my choice. To marry a man who joined the Navy. Yet, sometimes I can't help but to feel decieved by it all. Tony should be out by now, yes this much is true. It was never discussed before he joined that this was going to be a lifetime commitment. It was supposed to be four years, then four years turned to eight, and well, here we are, here I am, looking down another decade of moving right when I feel settled. This is not my cross to bear, by any means. I realize that the smart thing to do is to stay in. With two children, and free healthcare, we'd be idiots not to stay in.
I can't help but think though, why is one persons wants more important than anothers? Basically, why does what he want over ride what I want. I don't know if I can take being ripped up by my roots again. I cried whenI found out we were moving back to our hometown. In my depressed mind, I saw this as something so terrible. As they say, when you speak it, it comes true, it was terrible, just like Waukegan was, and just like Virginia was after it. Yet, here, home is where I found myself. Something that I have been searching for since I first left here at the tender age of 21. Here I found my calling, as a mother as a wife, as a person. I have finally figured out the big mystery of me, and don't know if I want to go and fuck with that just yet.
I don't know if I can handle another move, all alone, while Tony is away at some school. I don';t know if I can handle moving not only to a new house, but also, a new neighborhood, a new city, a new state, a new COAST. I don't know if I can handle moving away from my family again, especially now that things have gotten so good. I don't know if I can handle not being here for Christmas, EAster, Halloween, Presidents day. I don't know if I can handle missing the birth of any future children that may be born in the future by whoever decides to procreate in the future. No more crowded birthday parties? No more drunken laugh fests? No more easy access to baby sitting?
This will mean more six month cruises, where I get to sit alone with two kids trying to keep from going crazy, and ripping the calender from the wall. This means, more wonderings why he hasnt emailed, called, written, sent flowers. Jonny has never experienced deployments, Aislinn cries when Tony goes away overnight at this point. I can't come home like I did when Aislinn was little. It will be six whole months of being ALONE, in a new place, with two kids. Worse yet, wondering why my husband loves THIS, this going away for so long then being with us. Those times are few, but those time... those times are low.
Yet arent't those the roles we play? The roles of the penis wielder and the mana earth muffin? No matter who wears the pants in the family, when it comes to working and money and all that jazz, penis wielder usually has final say. And mama earth muffin, can only bow her head and submit. Why? Because mama earth muffin didn't listen to her mama earth muffin and she didnt get an education so she didn't have to depend on no man. Uh huh. *snap snap*
Yet that's what love does to us. Sure, I could choose to stay here, and see my husband a few times a year. Both of us jealous of what the other has going on. But, I married him to BE with him, and be with him I will. But, even if I wrap it up in love and kisses, slather on some lust, and giggles, roll it in belly laughs, and stolen hugs, that pill still leaves that faintest taste of bitter in my mouth.
"I just don't think I can. I'm sorry."
"I understand."
But, do I?
This conversation has gone on a few times in my house. It's the "Maybe you could stay here and recruit" conversation. The answer I get is always "I can't, I can't do it anymore"
I wonder though, what would happen if I said that. If I said "I can't, I just can't do it anymore" I realize that this was my choice. To marry a man who joined the Navy. Yet, sometimes I can't help but to feel decieved by it all. Tony should be out by now, yes this much is true. It was never discussed before he joined that this was going to be a lifetime commitment. It was supposed to be four years, then four years turned to eight, and well, here we are, here I am, looking down another decade of moving right when I feel settled. This is not my cross to bear, by any means. I realize that the smart thing to do is to stay in. With two children, and free healthcare, we'd be idiots not to stay in.
I can't help but think though, why is one persons wants more important than anothers? Basically, why does what he want over ride what I want. I don't know if I can take being ripped up by my roots again. I cried whenI found out we were moving back to our hometown. In my depressed mind, I saw this as something so terrible. As they say, when you speak it, it comes true, it was terrible, just like Waukegan was, and just like Virginia was after it. Yet, here, home is where I found myself. Something that I have been searching for since I first left here at the tender age of 21. Here I found my calling, as a mother as a wife, as a person. I have finally figured out the big mystery of me, and don't know if I want to go and fuck with that just yet.
I don't know if I can handle another move, all alone, while Tony is away at some school. I don';t know if I can handle moving not only to a new house, but also, a new neighborhood, a new city, a new state, a new COAST. I don't know if I can handle moving away from my family again, especially now that things have gotten so good. I don't know if I can handle not being here for Christmas, EAster, Halloween, Presidents day. I don't know if I can handle missing the birth of any future children that may be born in the future by whoever decides to procreate in the future. No more crowded birthday parties? No more drunken laugh fests? No more easy access to baby sitting?
This will mean more six month cruises, where I get to sit alone with two kids trying to keep from going crazy, and ripping the calender from the wall. This means, more wonderings why he hasnt emailed, called, written, sent flowers. Jonny has never experienced deployments, Aislinn cries when Tony goes away overnight at this point. I can't come home like I did when Aislinn was little. It will be six whole months of being ALONE, in a new place, with two kids. Worse yet, wondering why my husband loves THIS, this going away for so long then being with us. Those times are few, but those time... those times are low.
Yet arent't those the roles we play? The roles of the penis wielder and the mana earth muffin? No matter who wears the pants in the family, when it comes to working and money and all that jazz, penis wielder usually has final say. And mama earth muffin, can only bow her head and submit. Why? Because mama earth muffin didn't listen to her mama earth muffin and she didnt get an education so she didn't have to depend on no man. Uh huh. *snap snap*
Yet that's what love does to us. Sure, I could choose to stay here, and see my husband a few times a year. Both of us jealous of what the other has going on. But, I married him to BE with him, and be with him I will. But, even if I wrap it up in love and kisses, slather on some lust, and giggles, roll it in belly laughs, and stolen hugs, that pill still leaves that faintest taste of bitter in my mouth.
| 85 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Summer Banks
Romance Writers
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
...don't know what to say...
Comment by David
The paragraph from which the following lines are taken is the one that most struck me ... (and it's a striking article from start to finish, btw ...
Why? Because mama earth muffin didn't listen to her mama earth muffin and she didnt get an education so she didn't have to depend on no man. Uh huh. *snap snap*
I think you've chosen the better role ... As in you've chosen to love a human being (your husband) and other human beings (your family and extended family) ... not inanimate objects like a job and a paycheque ...
I've seen 'females' who have become 'independent' of men ... from close range ... (I have a corporate sister) ... and believe me, you do not want to become that cold-hearted and that hard-hearted in the name of 'independence' ... not when you have warm, fleshy heart full of real love ...
I always liken it to the story of Martha and Mary ... 'And Martha was busy about many things' ... 'But Mary just sat by his feet and listened to His Divine words' ... And Martha complained that Mary was just sitting there doing nothing ...
And what was said about Mary? ... Directly to Martha to 'educate' her a bit?
She chose to love ...
Goddam gal, ya do not needs no 'education' ... You can already write better than those with thair pra-tenshus post-grad da-greez ... Just y' keep shootin' th' breeze .. like ya do... Don't y' dare go an' spoil it all now, by getting yaself all darn wised up, gal .... *
And don't ever trade love for money ... Not the way you love ...
David ...
Comment by Anonymous
You can get your piece of paper any time, there's no rush. That's all it is really is, a piece of paper, not a measure of intelligence.
T.C.