High needs means high stress, and lots of love.
January 23rd 2007 17:31
It's a good feeling to know you are done with having children. Sure, my heart still gives a twinge when I see a baby and I know I'll never carry another child in my stomach. That is such a special bond between mother and child. (duh right?) When I look at my soon to be seven year old, I jsut can not believe that I carried her in my tummy for 37 long weeks. That once she was just a small little thing that sqalled everytime I set her chunky butt down. It's no secret that Aislinn was/is what is called a "high needs" child, or if you're feeling especially giving, a s"spirited child" if she's just screamed at you, and stomped off to her room,, slamming the door along the way, you would call her an asshole. Lord knows I do.
I saw something very interesting on Tv the other day. Dr. Phil had the Sears family on. The dad, the original Dr. Sears, his two sons who are also pediatricians, and either his daughter or his wife or someone who is a nurse. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Sears is the leading expert in what is called "Attatchment parenting" or AP. Attatchement parenting is a way of parenting that is more gentle. A lot of times, APers will wear baby in various slings. They usually breastfeed, unless an extreme circumstance occur, not allowing them to do so. They usually use gentle disclipine, which means they don't whack their kid for every infractions. They believe iin the family bed.
Dr. Sears was helping a woman who felt great stress toward her oldest daughter. The girl was a "high needs" child according to Dr. Sears. According to me, and to the mom I'm sure, the kid was just an asshole. Dr. Sears said "You were blessed with a high needs baby. The high needs child likes to push the anger buttons. It is not the mom, or her parenting, it is the BABY"
This one sentence totally changed my outlook on my parenting of Aislinn. It has been a tough, long road. As I watched this poor woman saying the things that I've always longed to say. It was like she was reading MY brain outloud. How she often wish the child (who is currently three) would just go away. She didn't care how, just leave. How her inability to make this child happy made her feel like a failure. How all the childs ticks and weirdies (my term not hers) caused much frustration in the household. How at the end of the day, when she thought over the battles of the day, tired, frustrated, and near tears, she always came to the same conclusion.... if she the mom, just TRIED harder, she'd have a "better" child.
That's how I felt for many, many years. That if I was more positive, more loving, more giving, more patient, more anything, Aislinn would not behave the way she did. She would fly into a fit of rage, when I told her she couldn't have ice cream. She wouldn't melt down into the floor in a puddle of tears when I told her it was time for bed. She wouldn't do stuff to aggravate. When I told her to do something, she'd just do it. I wouldn't have to spank her once, twice, seven times a day, for things that were definitly worth spanking over. She wouldn't take a glass of water, look at me and then dump it over... on purpose. I was the failure, because I was the adult and I should be able to control my child.
It got to the point where I didn't leave the house with Aislinn at all. I did everything alone. It was just easier that way. When I heard of other mothers saying how their kids could nap in the car if they got tired, and were pretty much content to be carried around like that years new hot handbag, it confirmed that I just sucked as a mom. I couldn't take my daughter out without her having a meltdown over something. I don't know how many times I ran out of store with a red faced toddler, with cute little pig tails, kicking me in the gut and screaming "Nooooo I don't LIKE Mommy!" Aislinn didn't eat in a resteraunt from the age of 18 months to the age of three. It was to much to handle.
Dr. Sears reminded me that my daughter is HUMAN with her own traits, ticks and weirdies. I can only do the best I can, and hope for the best. At almost seven, she isn't as difficult, but she can still push my buttons. Doing something one more time when I tell her to stop. Making obnoxious animal noises. Crying over over clothes, brushing her hair etc. I can see that we have done a good job too. Last night, she gave my sister one of her stuffies for her birthday. She is a caring, loving girl. She is the best big sister I have ever seen. She encourages Jonny and praises him whenever he does something great. She loves to give you surprises. She makes me laugh at least ten times a day.
We're still working on it. I hope she knows when she gets older that I tried. I really did. I hope that what I have taught her, and that my expample has been a positive one, and that she has a healthy and happy life. I'll just content myself with the fact that her temper, and bull headedness will carry her through life as a force to be reckoned with, and that it will help her instead of hinder her.
I saw something very interesting on Tv the other day. Dr. Phil had the Sears family on. The dad, the original Dr. Sears, his two sons who are also pediatricians, and either his daughter or his wife or someone who is a nurse. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Sears is the leading expert in what is called "Attatchment parenting" or AP. Attatchement parenting is a way of parenting that is more gentle. A lot of times, APers will wear baby in various slings. They usually breastfeed, unless an extreme circumstance occur, not allowing them to do so. They usually use gentle disclipine, which means they don't whack their kid for every infractions. They believe iin the family bed.
Dr. Sears was helping a woman who felt great stress toward her oldest daughter. The girl was a "high needs" child according to Dr. Sears. According to me, and to the mom I'm sure, the kid was just an asshole. Dr. Sears said "You were blessed with a high needs baby. The high needs child likes to push the anger buttons. It is not the mom, or her parenting, it is the BABY"
This one sentence totally changed my outlook on my parenting of Aislinn. It has been a tough, long road. As I watched this poor woman saying the things that I've always longed to say. It was like she was reading MY brain outloud. How she often wish the child (who is currently three) would just go away. She didn't care how, just leave. How her inability to make this child happy made her feel like a failure. How all the childs ticks and weirdies (my term not hers) caused much frustration in the household. How at the end of the day, when she thought over the battles of the day, tired, frustrated, and near tears, she always came to the same conclusion.... if she the mom, just TRIED harder, she'd have a "better" child.
That's how I felt for many, many years. That if I was more positive, more loving, more giving, more patient, more anything, Aislinn would not behave the way she did. She would fly into a fit of rage, when I told her she couldn't have ice cream. She wouldn't melt down into the floor in a puddle of tears when I told her it was time for bed. She wouldn't do stuff to aggravate. When I told her to do something, she'd just do it. I wouldn't have to spank her once, twice, seven times a day, for things that were definitly worth spanking over. She wouldn't take a glass of water, look at me and then dump it over... on purpose. I was the failure, because I was the adult and I should be able to control my child.
It got to the point where I didn't leave the house with Aislinn at all. I did everything alone. It was just easier that way. When I heard of other mothers saying how their kids could nap in the car if they got tired, and were pretty much content to be carried around like that years new hot handbag, it confirmed that I just sucked as a mom. I couldn't take my daughter out without her having a meltdown over something. I don't know how many times I ran out of store with a red faced toddler, with cute little pig tails, kicking me in the gut and screaming "Nooooo I don't LIKE Mommy!" Aislinn didn't eat in a resteraunt from the age of 18 months to the age of three. It was to much to handle.
Dr. Sears reminded me that my daughter is HUMAN with her own traits, ticks and weirdies. I can only do the best I can, and hope for the best. At almost seven, she isn't as difficult, but she can still push my buttons. Doing something one more time when I tell her to stop. Making obnoxious animal noises. Crying over over clothes, brushing her hair etc. I can see that we have done a good job too. Last night, she gave my sister one of her stuffies for her birthday. She is a caring, loving girl. She is the best big sister I have ever seen. She encourages Jonny and praises him whenever he does something great. She loves to give you surprises. She makes me laugh at least ten times a day.
We're still working on it. I hope she knows when she gets older that I tried. I really did. I hope that what I have taught her, and that my expample has been a positive one, and that she has a healthy and happy life. I'll just content myself with the fact that her temper, and bull headedness will carry her through life as a force to be reckoned with, and that it will help her instead of hinder her.
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Al Brunswick
Romance Writers
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-T.C.
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