"Get the belt, Ma! These sum bad ass kids"
November 22nd 2006 16:12
When I was growing up, my parents had a very set guidelines on what they expected us as kids. It went something like this....
If you interupt me.... get the belt.
Speak when spoken too, if not, ... get the belt.
Don't run around the store, if you do... get the belt
Never talk back to any adult, anywhere, ever, if you do... get the belt.
And it goes on so on and so forth for whatever rules they had. The thing is, this was common. All my friends got whipped with belts or sometimes, extension cords (ouch!) You could always tell in school which children did not fearf their parents. The ones that usually got in trouble in school. They knew when they got home, nothing was going to happen to them.
Not that my dad just swang (swang? is that a word? Well it is now) the belt willy nilly around the house, gin bottle in hand, whipping out at anything that moved. No, it was simple. You didn't do what he said, or what he expected of you, belt. End of story.
Why do I bring this up? My daughters new ploy to make me feel extreme mom guilt is to tell me she's scared of me when I yell.
I chuckle at the thought.
She has no freaking clue what scared is, and let me tell you, if she was scared, she sure the hell wouldn't 1. keep doing what she's doing and 2. be telling me she's scared. She'd be to scared to open her freaking mouth.
Not that I wish for the good ole days. The belt is never the answer. Even though it makes a child mind, I also think it can make certain children mindless. Unable to think for themselves. Blind obedience is never a good thingin my opinion. If you are taught to not talk back to any adult, what if one is touching you inappropriately?
I do want my children to be themselves. Yet, I also want them to learn respect and manners. I don't want my daughter to interupt when I am speaking to a friend to tell me about her turtle, but I do want her to be comfortable enough to interupt if her turtle is on fire. I don't want her to talk back to an adult when they are telling her to no do something dangerous, but I want her to feel comfortable enough to say somethng if they are doing something dangerous TO her.
It's all a balancing act, and it feels like I'm always pitched to the extreme right or left of the rope. Too strict, not strict enough. Never finding the perfect balance to make perfect children.
Ok, well perfect children is impossible. I think part of my problem is others perceptions of my kids. I happen to think my kids are great, but I worry that I am being blind to how other percieve them. Maybe what's precious to me is obnoxious to others. Maybe what's acceptable to me is frowned upon by society.
Every waking moment it seems is spent doubting my mothering. That I am not giving enough love, attention, affection or discipline. I'm giving too much love, attentention, affection or discipline.
In th end I know I just need to do what feels right.
If you interupt me.... get the belt.
Speak when spoken too, if not, ... get the belt.
Don't run around the store, if you do... get the belt
Never talk back to any adult, anywhere, ever, if you do... get the belt.
And it goes on so on and so forth for whatever rules they had. The thing is, this was common. All my friends got whipped with belts or sometimes, extension cords (ouch!) You could always tell in school which children did not fearf their parents. The ones that usually got in trouble in school. They knew when they got home, nothing was going to happen to them.
Not that my dad just swang (swang? is that a word? Well it is now) the belt willy nilly around the house, gin bottle in hand, whipping out at anything that moved. No, it was simple. You didn't do what he said, or what he expected of you, belt. End of story.
Why do I bring this up? My daughters new ploy to make me feel extreme mom guilt is to tell me she's scared of me when I yell.
I chuckle at the thought.
She has no freaking clue what scared is, and let me tell you, if she was scared, she sure the hell wouldn't 1. keep doing what she's doing and 2. be telling me she's scared. She'd be to scared to open her freaking mouth.
Not that I wish for the good ole days. The belt is never the answer. Even though it makes a child mind, I also think it can make certain children mindless. Unable to think for themselves. Blind obedience is never a good thingin my opinion. If you are taught to not talk back to any adult, what if one is touching you inappropriately?
I do want my children to be themselves. Yet, I also want them to learn respect and manners. I don't want my daughter to interupt when I am speaking to a friend to tell me about her turtle, but I do want her to be comfortable enough to interupt if her turtle is on fire. I don't want her to talk back to an adult when they are telling her to no do something dangerous, but I want her to feel comfortable enough to say somethng if they are doing something dangerous TO her.
It's all a balancing act, and it feels like I'm always pitched to the extreme right or left of the rope. Too strict, not strict enough. Never finding the perfect balance to make perfect children.
Ok, well perfect children is impossible. I think part of my problem is others perceptions of my kids. I happen to think my kids are great, but I worry that I am being blind to how other percieve them. Maybe what's precious to me is obnoxious to others. Maybe what's acceptable to me is frowned upon by society.
Every waking moment it seems is spent doubting my mothering. That I am not giving enough love, attention, affection or discipline. I'm giving too much love, attentention, affection or discipline.
In th end I know I just need to do what feels right.
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Summer Banks
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Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), however, in an official policy statement[4] (reaffirmed in 2004) states that "Corporal punishment is of limited effectiveness and has potentially deleterious side effects. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents be encouraged and assisted in the development of methods other than spanking for managing undesired behavior." In particular, the AAP holds that any corporal punishment methods other than open-hand spanking on the buttocks or extremities "are unacceptable" and "should never be used". The policy statement points out, summarizing several studies, that "The more children are spanked, the more anger they report as adults, the more likely they are to spank their own children, the more likely they are to approve of hitting a spouse, and the more marital conflict they experience as adults." [7] Spanking has been associated with higher rates of physical aggression, more substance abuse, and increased risk of crime and violence when used with older children and adolescents.[8]"
Opponents argue that any form of violence is by definition abusive. Some psychology research indicates that corporal punishment causes the destruction of trust bonds between parents and children. Children subjected to corporal punishment may grow resentful, shy, insecure, or violent. Adults who report having been slapped or spanked by their parents in childhood have been found to experience elevated rates of anxiety disorder, alcohol abuse or dependence and externalizing problems as adults. [9] Some researchers have shown that corporal punishment actually works against its objective (normally obedience), since children will not voluntarily obey an adult they do not trust. A child who is physically punished may have to be punished more often than a child who is not. Researcher Elizabeth Gershoff, Ph.D., in a 2002 meta-analytic study that combined 60 years of research on corporal punishment, found that the only positive outcome of corporal punishment was immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment was associated with less long-term compliance.[10] Corporal punishment was linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, problems in relationships with their parents, and likelihood of being physically abused.
Some proponents of corporal punishment argue that those opposed to it simply do not understand the stresses of parenthood. Opponents counter that this argument raises the question of whether corporal punishment is meant as a constructive lesson for the child, or as a form of stress-relief for angry parents.
Opponents also note that much child abuse may begin with spanking: a parent accustomed to using corporal punishment may find it all too easy, when frustrated, to step over the line into physical abuse. One study found that 40% of 111 mothers were worried that they could possibly hurt their children. [11] Frustrated parents turn to spanking when attempting to discipline their child, and then get carried away (given the arguable continuum between spanking and hitting). This "continuum" argument also raises the question of whether a spank can be "too hard" and how (if at all) this can be defined in practical terms. This in turn leads to the question whether parents who spank their children "too hard" are crossing the line and beginning to abuse them.
The problem noted with the use of corporal punishment is that, if punishments are to maintain their efficacy, the amount of force required may have to be increased over successive punishments. This was observed by the American Academy of Pediatrics, [5] which stated that: "The only way to maintain the initial effect of spanking is to systematically increase the intensity with which it is delivered, which can quickly escalate into abuse". Additionaly, the Academy noted that: "Parents who spank their children are more likely to use other unacceptable forms of corporal punishment."[12]
Another problem with corporal punishment is that it polarizes the parent-child relationship, reducing the amount of spontaneous cooperation on the part of the child. The AAP policy statement says "...reliance on spanking as a discipline approach makes other discipline strategies less effective to use". Thus it has an addiction-like effect: the more one spanks, the more one feels a need to spank, possibly escalating until the situation is out of control.
Comment by Johanna
PCOS Mum
That made me quite anti smacking and I have no intention of hitting my child, but I wonder, like you, what the best solution is for disciplining.