Damn my addictive personality
March 7th 2007 23:18
I have to realize that I have an addictive personality. So why is it that I am not addicted to GOOD things like, I don't know, vegetables or water, or cleaning? Why is everything I am addicted to is bad for me?
My family is riddled with addiction, and it's something I always tried to keep in mind... that is when it came to alcohol and drugs. I've never smoked pot, I've only been drunk a handful of times. I always made sure to keep myself away from anything that I could become addicted to. Yes, I am the asshole who tells the Dr. no thanks when offered wonderful pain pills. The second day of my Cesaeran section, I was taken Advil only, as I was to afraid to take the Percocet for too long
I always thought that maybe I was addicted to food. Food consumed my every thought. What I was going to eat, what I wish I could eat. Looking back I know that to be the case now. If I would by chance have an evening alone, I would lovingly plan out my meal like a preggo would plan her layette. I fantasize about what I COULD have, what I SHOULD have, what flavors go with what. I would sometimes make a run to a few resteraunts just to get the "perfect" meal. Of course, none of the stuff I chose was good for you. After reading the Atkins Diet book, I realized how addicted I had become to fat and sugar. It was a real eye opener for me, but just like a glue sniffer knows it's bad to sniff the glue, the allure and the feeling you get from indulging was to much to ignore.
Recently, I've started to eat right and exercise. Finally, I think I am in the right mind set to get it done. I have high blood pressure and diabetes. Something needed to be done or quite frankly I was going to die. I've tried before in the past to get healthy, before these affilications hit me. Unfortunately, what I didn't know is that I suffered from depression. Like my Dr. said, "You can't get anything right physically if you're not right mentally. If you can get yourself right mentally, a lot of times the other stuff falls into place" It didn't happen over night. It took me about five months of taking my meds to finally admit I had to do something. For the most part, there has been no turning back. Sure, like every addict I have my slip ups. Especially on the weekends. What sucks is that you NEED food. I can't quit food cold turkey. It's everywhere I turn. There isn't a "methadone" type food. A replacement that makes you full, and still gives you those wonderful feelings that come along with it. I've been doing well.
So, why damn my addictive personality? I've picked up another horrible habit. Smoking. It started off innocently enough. A few smokes with friends. I've always been somewhat of a social smoker. Smoking when I'm with friends, and having a few drinks here and there. Then it was everytime we got with friends, even if I wasn't drinking. Then it was the occasional smoke when someone who smoked was here at the house, then to having the occasional smoke with Tony home. That's where I am at now. The occassional smoke with Tony, or by myself if I feel stressed.
That's it right there. Like any addict, I need something when I feel stressed. Before I just ate oreos until I got that sugar rush, some people drink a beer or seven, and some smoke a joint. Some exercise. I wish oh how I wish I would exercise.
Yesterday was a hard day with Aislinn. We haven't had one of those in awhile, but it involved a lot of yelling and tears. I needed something to stop the anger coursing through my veins. I smoked half a cigarette that I found in our garage and a pack of 100 calorie Grasshopper cookies. I felt a ton better. Before, I would have gorged on some carbalicious food.
I KNOW I can't smoke. I know it!! But, I just feel the need for SOMETHING when I feel anxious or stressed. It's cigarettes or food. I'm not smoking a lot. Today has been one and a half. I know that the more I do it, the more I'll want it, and the more I'll need it. I HATE he habit. I hate smelling like stinky smoke, and having my breath smell like ass.
It's hard. It's a hard choice. Maybe I need to do something else when I feel stressed. What? I don't know. My body just wants me to fill it with something bad for it.
And if ANYONE (ahem Michelle) tells my mom... i'm kicking your ass.
.
My family is riddled with addiction, and it's something I always tried to keep in mind... that is when it came to alcohol and drugs. I've never smoked pot, I've only been drunk a handful of times. I always made sure to keep myself away from anything that I could become addicted to. Yes, I am the asshole who tells the Dr. no thanks when offered wonderful pain pills. The second day of my Cesaeran section, I was taken Advil only, as I was to afraid to take the Percocet for too long
I always thought that maybe I was addicted to food. Food consumed my every thought. What I was going to eat, what I wish I could eat. Looking back I know that to be the case now. If I would by chance have an evening alone, I would lovingly plan out my meal like a preggo would plan her layette. I fantasize about what I COULD have, what I SHOULD have, what flavors go with what. I would sometimes make a run to a few resteraunts just to get the "perfect" meal. Of course, none of the stuff I chose was good for you. After reading the Atkins Diet book, I realized how addicted I had become to fat and sugar. It was a real eye opener for me, but just like a glue sniffer knows it's bad to sniff the glue, the allure and the feeling you get from indulging was to much to ignore.
Recently, I've started to eat right and exercise. Finally, I think I am in the right mind set to get it done. I have high blood pressure and diabetes. Something needed to be done or quite frankly I was going to die. I've tried before in the past to get healthy, before these affilications hit me. Unfortunately, what I didn't know is that I suffered from depression. Like my Dr. said, "You can't get anything right physically if you're not right mentally. If you can get yourself right mentally, a lot of times the other stuff falls into place" It didn't happen over night. It took me about five months of taking my meds to finally admit I had to do something. For the most part, there has been no turning back. Sure, like every addict I have my slip ups. Especially on the weekends. What sucks is that you NEED food. I can't quit food cold turkey. It's everywhere I turn. There isn't a "methadone" type food. A replacement that makes you full, and still gives you those wonderful feelings that come along with it. I've been doing well.
So, why damn my addictive personality? I've picked up another horrible habit. Smoking. It started off innocently enough. A few smokes with friends. I've always been somewhat of a social smoker. Smoking when I'm with friends, and having a few drinks here and there. Then it was everytime we got with friends, even if I wasn't drinking. Then it was the occasional smoke when someone who smoked was here at the house, then to having the occasional smoke with Tony home. That's where I am at now. The occassional smoke with Tony, or by myself if I feel stressed.
That's it right there. Like any addict, I need something when I feel stressed. Before I just ate oreos until I got that sugar rush, some people drink a beer or seven, and some smoke a joint. Some exercise. I wish oh how I wish I would exercise.
Yesterday was a hard day with Aislinn. We haven't had one of those in awhile, but it involved a lot of yelling and tears. I needed something to stop the anger coursing through my veins. I smoked half a cigarette that I found in our garage and a pack of 100 calorie Grasshopper cookies. I felt a ton better. Before, I would have gorged on some carbalicious food.
I KNOW I can't smoke. I know it!! But, I just feel the need for SOMETHING when I feel anxious or stressed. It's cigarettes or food. I'm not smoking a lot. Today has been one and a half. I know that the more I do it, the more I'll want it, and the more I'll need it. I HATE he habit. I hate smelling like stinky smoke, and having my breath smell like ass.
It's hard. It's a hard choice. Maybe I need to do something else when I feel stressed. What? I don't know. My body just wants me to fill it with something bad for it.
And if ANYONE (ahem Michelle) tells my mom... i'm kicking your ass.
.
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Summer Banks
Romance Writers
Comment by David
Great read ...
I haven't go much to say regarding how to treat the addictive personality ... I'm addicted to my addictive personality and my addictions, and no-one's telling me either are wrong (or if they do? I'm treating what they say as utter garbage and rubbish.
A lot of 'professionals' are going to have a lot to answer for one day ... They should think very carefully before saying what they say.
I'd be having a ding-dong argument with my Doctor (if I had one) if he said this to me:
"You can't get anything right physically if you're not right mentally."
To take something like that as the absolute truth, and base the future of your health on it?
That's more dangerous than addiction.
David ...
Comment by Sandi
I love you anyway you rebel.
Comment by David
I obviously didn't read it in context ... But now that you've put it in context? ... I'm fine with it ...
Me. A rebel? ... Gee ... Thanks ...
He's a rebel and he'll never ever be any good
He's a rebel and he'll never ever be understood
And just because he doesn't do what everybody else does
That's no reason why I can't give him all my love
He is always good to me, always treats me tenderly
'Cause he's not a rebel, no no no
He's not a rebel, no no no, to me
Words by Gene Pitney ... Sung originally by the Blossoms ...
Blossom ...
David ...
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
(hey...I'm addicted to you two...)
You could always have sex instead...solo or duo (or the whole menage...)...but damn, do you feel like smoking afterwards??
Sorry Sandi hon...I don't mean to make light of the reality.
David darlin'...I think is true as well,
If you believe you can't do something then you won't do it.
I can only imagine that depression is what it implies...it pushes you down, sinks you...it sucks the physical energy out of you...
It's instinct to want to distract oneself when one is stressed because, otherwise...it could overwhelm.
And I have seen people addicted to exercise...not pretty...
Comment by Anonymous
I have no real advice for you, but I can totally relate. I guess it's a good thing that we don't live near each other or I'd be knocking on your front door with a package of Nutter Butters and another pacakge of Marlboros.
Maybe sometime we can meet in the middle for a chocolate buffet and a good smoke. *wink, wink*
~Sally Shell
Comment by Anonymous
~SS
Comment by Sandi
I thought about sex, but well, we have a lot of that anyway. I am definitly addicted to my husband and his sexy body. Everything about him makes me hot. YEsteday we went to the gym together, and I chose the machine right behind him so I could watch him run. MMM MMM.
Your decription of depression is acurate. My first thought everday was "only X amount of hours until I can go back to sleep" That isn't normal. Depression has a way of making you feel defeated before your day has even begun.
Thanks fo stopping by.
SS I am very disappointed that you choose to use the term "frickfracking" Tsk tsk. LOL
And how in the HELL did you know I love Nutter Butters? Oh well, maybe because I can't shut the frack up about peanut butter half the time. I mean, who was it that tried to get me to buy a case of whipped Peter Pan for like twenty bucks? Hmmm who WAS that? LOL Speaking of Peter Pan damn you Con Agra and your stupid germ riddled factory, so I can't get my whipped PB!!