Cry, Baby
March 21st 2007 14:43
Last night I did something I haven't done in a long time.
I cried.
I laid in bed and just cried and cried, while Tony tried awkwardly to comfort me. I say awkwardly because there was nothing he could do about it.
Every night Tony comes home, tired, aloof, and defeated. When he comes home, it's often around 10 pm. I know this isn't his fault, and although I am not as nice about it as I could be, I do in general try to keep my trap shut. Last week was a bad week as I was dealing with the ole PMS and he got an earful from me a few times. This week has been better, but I haven't been very.... warm?!? Yeah warm is a good word.
After awhile I realized I was being silly. We had a chat about whatever, I went back to playing my game, he watched tv. I do realize that he needs alone time, which I was trying to give him. We went to bed, and I tried to get a few things started. He was just so tired, so worn out, and the fact that he knew he had another big day ahead (and by big, I mean insanely long) and he just wasn't feeling me. He was willing, but he wasn't there. Me being a woman, the fastest way to feel connected is through the physical sense. It was pretty obvious that MY need had more to do with emotion which was manifesting itself in a carnal way, his need was to go to sleep. I got that. He tried to appease me, and I told him I understood, and that we have all weekend to get it on. I was really nice about it.
Yet, laying there, I found myself feeling so sad. Not just for me, but for him, and our children. Although we're at the tail end of this horrendous ordeal of recruiting, it's only gotten harder. A new boss, who is a first timer in this particular job, is causing a lot of stress. The man left his family behind, therefore he has nothing to go home to. He has no qualms about being at the office until ten at night, while my kids are crying for their daddy, and his dinner goes cold.
It's hard not having a say, that your voice will never be heard, and that in the end of it all you can't really complain to anyone. Who are you going to whine to? Everyone wants to tell you oh it can't be that bad, but it is. It really, really is. I can't whine to Tony since its out of his control as well. Most of our family business between Tony and I is done via phone. Nothing can ever be discussed at length. Now, I can no longer depend on him to pick up Aislinn or to do any of the things he usually does. All that goes undone by him, in turn must be picked up by me.
So, I cried. Not hard, not the wail of the wounded. Just cried. I wouldn't even call it weeping or sobbing. Just cried. Today, I don't feel better like I usually do after a good cry. I feel guilty for laying that at Tony's feet, to know that his affairs at work have caused me tears. I feel like I'm weak for not being able to "handle" it.
As I laid there, I said to the universe "This next set of orders... they WILL be better, they WILL be a break for Tony, and he WILL enjoy them" Becuase if he enjoys them, life will be better.
I cried.
I laid in bed and just cried and cried, while Tony tried awkwardly to comfort me. I say awkwardly because there was nothing he could do about it.
Every night Tony comes home, tired, aloof, and defeated. When he comes home, it's often around 10 pm. I know this isn't his fault, and although I am not as nice about it as I could be, I do in general try to keep my trap shut. Last week was a bad week as I was dealing with the ole PMS and he got an earful from me a few times. This week has been better, but I haven't been very.... warm?!? Yeah warm is a good word.
After awhile I realized I was being silly. We had a chat about whatever, I went back to playing my game, he watched tv. I do realize that he needs alone time, which I was trying to give him. We went to bed, and I tried to get a few things started. He was just so tired, so worn out, and the fact that he knew he had another big day ahead (and by big, I mean insanely long) and he just wasn't feeling me. He was willing, but he wasn't there. Me being a woman, the fastest way to feel connected is through the physical sense. It was pretty obvious that MY need had more to do with emotion which was manifesting itself in a carnal way, his need was to go to sleep. I got that. He tried to appease me, and I told him I understood, and that we have all weekend to get it on. I was really nice about it.
Yet, laying there, I found myself feeling so sad. Not just for me, but for him, and our children. Although we're at the tail end of this horrendous ordeal of recruiting, it's only gotten harder. A new boss, who is a first timer in this particular job, is causing a lot of stress. The man left his family behind, therefore he has nothing to go home to. He has no qualms about being at the office until ten at night, while my kids are crying for their daddy, and his dinner goes cold.
It's hard not having a say, that your voice will never be heard, and that in the end of it all you can't really complain to anyone. Who are you going to whine to? Everyone wants to tell you oh it can't be that bad, but it is. It really, really is. I can't whine to Tony since its out of his control as well. Most of our family business between Tony and I is done via phone. Nothing can ever be discussed at length. Now, I can no longer depend on him to pick up Aislinn or to do any of the things he usually does. All that goes undone by him, in turn must be picked up by me.
So, I cried. Not hard, not the wail of the wounded. Just cried. I wouldn't even call it weeping or sobbing. Just cried. Today, I don't feel better like I usually do after a good cry. I feel guilty for laying that at Tony's feet, to know that his affairs at work have caused me tears. I feel like I'm weak for not being able to "handle" it.
As I laid there, I said to the universe "This next set of orders... they WILL be better, they WILL be a break for Tony, and he WILL enjoy them" Becuase if he enjoys them, life will be better.
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Summer Banks
Romance Writers
Comment by Wendi
I can also relate to the endless work hours and feeling alone, but I won't expand on that... just that I can relate. I feel for you.
Here's to better days! (raises coffee mug)
W
Comment by D. Armenta
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