Crisis who says it’s a crisis ?
November 15th 2007 10:12
Just as the word ‘wedding’ has an immediate upward influence on the price of all things white, passing a particular age barrier for men and women also has a significant unnatural side effect.
For women, the slightest medical problem initiates a ‘menopause alert’ regardless of the symptoms. For guys, trying a new slightly risky activity, making a rash spontaneous decision or sharing an admiring look with a young attractive female is seen as a confirmation of a mid-life crisis.
This is Steve’s Story
As a kid growing up I had the usual sexual experiences, first kiss around the end of primary school, first proper girlfriend into high school, first serious girlfriend towards end of high school and sex filtered into the mix thereafter.
Education in matters of the female form came from hands on experience, I must admit to taking an avid interest in the oral part of any examination as opposed to the theory side. All in all by the time I reached my 20s I had a fairly good understanding of how things worked, was regularly complimented on my abilities but not so much so that my reputation suffered from over exposure.
I got the travelling bug from my parents and from the land of my birth (England) I ventured across Europe, skirted the US with a promise to return and ended up in Australia where once biten by a beach spider one never chooses to leave. The women who has now shared the last 17 years of my life tripped me up mid-travels and together we have been blissfully happy working the marriage thing for all its worth.
The kids have transformed us into parents, work has blossomed and the fruits of success have given us a wonderful home both close to everything we enjoy and a superb collection of friends that never cease to provide that extra layer of happiness. We have our dramas but all in all life is pretty bloody good.
Sex to me is an essential fun activity, something that gives great pleasure and relief but also provides sensual and emotional stimulation. Touching, sharing and tenderly loving is as much part of sex as the more graphic and, for want of a better word, messy bits. I would not say that I choose my life partner on the basis of her sexual ability, there were and still are much more important elements to her as a person, she does not share the same level of interest in this activity.
Please forgive me for being less than direct in my exploration but I feel it is necessary in order to fully appreciate the gravity of this matter. I am not a person to sit back and allow problems to get out of control, if I see something is wrong I will raise it no matter how difficult the subject. I am objective and open and can readily understand someone else’s view point as well as my own.
A little while ago, well after the kids but before that dreaded female topic had been discussed, we both noticed sex had become a predictable process, we’d do the same thing with only minor modifications. Frequency suffered, we drifted from week to week and even month to month, my difficulty was the need for change and excitement.
Maybe I am different to most people, maybe I expect too much but I like to know the other person is enjoying themselves, the idea that I would be doing anything that they didn’t enjoy is not only distasteful but a major turn off. It was this concern that lead me to open the discussion about sex with my wife, it took a while to get her to feel comfortable enough but eventually we were able to outline our individual problems.
I took it upon myself to investigate the issues externally where I found the nail #1 in what might yet turn out to be a coffin. I found that as most women traveled through their thirties they reached a sexual peak and then their interest subsided. Whereas men generally maintain a consistent healthy interest all through life. If I was very interested at 20 then I would likely be very interest at 60 !
I searched for assistance in helping reinvigorate my wife’s interest. Ideas such as role playing, sexy clothing, body paints, edible clothing and more imaginative locations all seemed excellent ideas to try out with a young exciting and flexible nymph but when shared with the women that washed my undies, they just didn’t seem to get the same reaction.
We shared education books giving hints and techniques for both parties to try, the major point in most of these was to ‘show’ your partner what you would enjoy. Massages, toe sucking, oral examinations, soft and tender caressing, we tried many and had great fun but only ever once. We openly discussed the use of the other hole because it was there and in the book, we agreed to rules that included it in a subtle way, maintaining its allure without degrading the moment brutally.
In other words when the issue of sex or lack of it comes up I can safely say I have done everything in my power to openly discuss it, address the issues and try to move forward constructively. The first advice a therapist gives is to talk the issues through with the people concerned. I read with interest a blog Really Long Link which gave 10 truths of sex therapy ‘# 2 you can’t work out a sexual problem with an unwilling partner. Don’t even try’ - Nail # 2!
So where to next :
Do without sex for the good of marriage ?
Well for a start sex isn’t as important as marriage, many will use this argument to justify abstinence but in reality it is a stronger argument for the other side. If sex is a pastime then it should be treated as any other, if you enjoy rock climbing would you need to give up your marriage to continue to do it?
Discuss the idea of a concubine ?
Well I don’t know if the book I was given to read last Christmas (Snow Flower) was a hint but it outlined the social etiquettes of a traditional Chinese life. Concubines are a regular feature in this and many other cultures and are used pretty much as a method of extending the male sex life. If other cultures see it as normal can it be so wrong to entertain such a thought ?
But as with some characters in Snow flower, wouldn’t it only be natural for a wife to feel deserted, rejected because of a flaw, to be replaced by a younger nubile slip of a girl. Surely this could only be detrimental to all the other perfect attributes. I have seen the murderous glare in her eyes when someone steals her last chocolate, let alone her husband’s attention. Nail # 3
An illicit affair or a F/buddy ?
Well the concept sounds wonderful, everyone gets what they need without anyone knowing, no-one gets hurt and the smiles are maintained all year round. But where do you find these people, do they even exist and who would want an aging married father of two that just wants to have sex.
When you do find someone that fits the bill how often can you get out and be naughty, you can’t just go out every night and not raise suspicion, slipping off at lunchtime for a quickie requires a venue and if you want to enjoy a thoroughly deep and meaningful sexual encounter you need to spend time in the company of this person ! Nail #4
Pay for the privilege ?
Watching porn movies or paying for sex are different sports to having real sex, like horse racing and show jumping, both have riders on the back of horses dressed in appropriate uniforms but both are completely different activities. Sex to me is about a sensual and emotional expression through the physical, it can’t be bought, it must be freely given. Nail #5
Of course guys are driven by sex, that is how we are wired and that is how women want us. Like it or not they wouldn’t change this part of us. Isn’t a real man a red blooded male who is tough, rugged, enjoys manly sports like car racing, football and cricket.
The ideal one might also cook a pretty tasty 4 course meal, have romantic tendencies such as erratic flower deliveries or organising a weekend escape without kids as a total surprise.
Perfection might mean he did a bit of housework occasionally but was still a grub, involved himself 50:50 with the kids but never undermined the motherly role.
And after all that he might insist on pushing her to achieve everything she wanted, make her interests family priorities, her work desires his desires, her commitments to improve her mind, body and spirit made possible for as long as she wanted them. But all of this wouldn’t be overt, she wouldn’t feel totally spoilt, she wouldn’t feel totally made, she would have to work hard and fight too.
But then a guy that doesn’t chase his partner around the house, is not showing her that he is still attracted to her. Remember that thing in the education books – ‘Show what you would like’
A guy that doesn’t show he wants his partner is either over the frustration and prefers the quiet life than sex, could quite possibly be looking elsewhere or gay or perhaps is getting exactly the right amount.
So how long does a guy rattle around in this cage before he explodes and talks to someone ? A couple of years? He tells a complete stranger on the net that he needs more sex, particularly oral as that is one thing his wife doesn’t do. He explains that he prefers to give than receive and if he’s going to find a surrogate she would need to be young and exciting to warrant the risk.
She tells him simply it must be a mid-life crisis go home and get used to it !
Editorial note :
I realised shortly after posting this that November in Australia is a month where Male health and depression issues are promoted (Movember).
For every male reader that can relate to the seemingly endless door closing effect of natural aging that is explored here, please don't think you are alone. Every single male will experience some form of this process ! I would strongly advocate talking to someone, anyone be they male or female, related or strangers. Just don't ignore it as it won't go away !
For every female that questions what is wrong with their suddenly distracted red blooded male, don't underestimate the difficulty of this situation for a guy to deal with. Depression respects no physical or mental boundaries, there is help out there but equally as in the story above consider the immediate environmental surroundings.
In Australia check out http://www.beyondblue.org.au
For women, the slightest medical problem initiates a ‘menopause alert’ regardless of the symptoms. For guys, trying a new slightly risky activity, making a rash spontaneous decision or sharing an admiring look with a young attractive female is seen as a confirmation of a mid-life crisis.
This is Steve’s Story
As a kid growing up I had the usual sexual experiences, first kiss around the end of primary school, first proper girlfriend into high school, first serious girlfriend towards end of high school and sex filtered into the mix thereafter.
Education in matters of the female form came from hands on experience, I must admit to taking an avid interest in the oral part of any examination as opposed to the theory side. All in all by the time I reached my 20s I had a fairly good understanding of how things worked, was regularly complimented on my abilities but not so much so that my reputation suffered from over exposure.
I got the travelling bug from my parents and from the land of my birth (England) I ventured across Europe, skirted the US with a promise to return and ended up in Australia where once biten by a beach spider one never chooses to leave. The women who has now shared the last 17 years of my life tripped me up mid-travels and together we have been blissfully happy working the marriage thing for all its worth.
The kids have transformed us into parents, work has blossomed and the fruits of success have given us a wonderful home both close to everything we enjoy and a superb collection of friends that never cease to provide that extra layer of happiness. We have our dramas but all in all life is pretty bloody good.
Sex to me is an essential fun activity, something that gives great pleasure and relief but also provides sensual and emotional stimulation. Touching, sharing and tenderly loving is as much part of sex as the more graphic and, for want of a better word, messy bits. I would not say that I choose my life partner on the basis of her sexual ability, there were and still are much more important elements to her as a person, she does not share the same level of interest in this activity.
Please forgive me for being less than direct in my exploration but I feel it is necessary in order to fully appreciate the gravity of this matter. I am not a person to sit back and allow problems to get out of control, if I see something is wrong I will raise it no matter how difficult the subject. I am objective and open and can readily understand someone else’s view point as well as my own.
A little while ago, well after the kids but before that dreaded female topic had been discussed, we both noticed sex had become a predictable process, we’d do the same thing with only minor modifications. Frequency suffered, we drifted from week to week and even month to month, my difficulty was the need for change and excitement.
Maybe I am different to most people, maybe I expect too much but I like to know the other person is enjoying themselves, the idea that I would be doing anything that they didn’t enjoy is not only distasteful but a major turn off. It was this concern that lead me to open the discussion about sex with my wife, it took a while to get her to feel comfortable enough but eventually we were able to outline our individual problems.
I took it upon myself to investigate the issues externally where I found the nail #1 in what might yet turn out to be a coffin. I found that as most women traveled through their thirties they reached a sexual peak and then their interest subsided. Whereas men generally maintain a consistent healthy interest all through life. If I was very interested at 20 then I would likely be very interest at 60 !
I searched for assistance in helping reinvigorate my wife’s interest. Ideas such as role playing, sexy clothing, body paints, edible clothing and more imaginative locations all seemed excellent ideas to try out with a young exciting and flexible nymph but when shared with the women that washed my undies, they just didn’t seem to get the same reaction.
We shared education books giving hints and techniques for both parties to try, the major point in most of these was to ‘show’ your partner what you would enjoy. Massages, toe sucking, oral examinations, soft and tender caressing, we tried many and had great fun but only ever once. We openly discussed the use of the other hole because it was there and in the book, we agreed to rules that included it in a subtle way, maintaining its allure without degrading the moment brutally.
In other words when the issue of sex or lack of it comes up I can safely say I have done everything in my power to openly discuss it, address the issues and try to move forward constructively. The first advice a therapist gives is to talk the issues through with the people concerned. I read with interest a blog Really Long Link which gave 10 truths of sex therapy ‘# 2 you can’t work out a sexual problem with an unwilling partner. Don’t even try’ - Nail # 2!
So where to next :
Do without sex for the good of marriage ?
Well for a start sex isn’t as important as marriage, many will use this argument to justify abstinence but in reality it is a stronger argument for the other side. If sex is a pastime then it should be treated as any other, if you enjoy rock climbing would you need to give up your marriage to continue to do it?
Discuss the idea of a concubine ?
Well I don’t know if the book I was given to read last Christmas (Snow Flower) was a hint but it outlined the social etiquettes of a traditional Chinese life. Concubines are a regular feature in this and many other cultures and are used pretty much as a method of extending the male sex life. If other cultures see it as normal can it be so wrong to entertain such a thought ?
But as with some characters in Snow flower, wouldn’t it only be natural for a wife to feel deserted, rejected because of a flaw, to be replaced by a younger nubile slip of a girl. Surely this could only be detrimental to all the other perfect attributes. I have seen the murderous glare in her eyes when someone steals her last chocolate, let alone her husband’s attention. Nail # 3
An illicit affair or a F/buddy ?
Well the concept sounds wonderful, everyone gets what they need without anyone knowing, no-one gets hurt and the smiles are maintained all year round. But where do you find these people, do they even exist and who would want an aging married father of two that just wants to have sex.
When you do find someone that fits the bill how often can you get out and be naughty, you can’t just go out every night and not raise suspicion, slipping off at lunchtime for a quickie requires a venue and if you want to enjoy a thoroughly deep and meaningful sexual encounter you need to spend time in the company of this person ! Nail #4
Pay for the privilege ?
Watching porn movies or paying for sex are different sports to having real sex, like horse racing and show jumping, both have riders on the back of horses dressed in appropriate uniforms but both are completely different activities. Sex to me is about a sensual and emotional expression through the physical, it can’t be bought, it must be freely given. Nail #5
Of course guys are driven by sex, that is how we are wired and that is how women want us. Like it or not they wouldn’t change this part of us. Isn’t a real man a red blooded male who is tough, rugged, enjoys manly sports like car racing, football and cricket.
The ideal one might also cook a pretty tasty 4 course meal, have romantic tendencies such as erratic flower deliveries or organising a weekend escape without kids as a total surprise.
Perfection might mean he did a bit of housework occasionally but was still a grub, involved himself 50:50 with the kids but never undermined the motherly role.
And after all that he might insist on pushing her to achieve everything she wanted, make her interests family priorities, her work desires his desires, her commitments to improve her mind, body and spirit made possible for as long as she wanted them. But all of this wouldn’t be overt, she wouldn’t feel totally spoilt, she wouldn’t feel totally made, she would have to work hard and fight too.
But then a guy that doesn’t chase his partner around the house, is not showing her that he is still attracted to her. Remember that thing in the education books – ‘Show what you would like’
A guy that doesn’t show he wants his partner is either over the frustration and prefers the quiet life than sex, could quite possibly be looking elsewhere or gay or perhaps is getting exactly the right amount.
So how long does a guy rattle around in this cage before he explodes and talks to someone ? A couple of years? He tells a complete stranger on the net that he needs more sex, particularly oral as that is one thing his wife doesn’t do. He explains that he prefers to give than receive and if he’s going to find a surrogate she would need to be young and exciting to warrant the risk.
She tells him simply it must be a mid-life crisis go home and get used to it !
Editorial note :
I realised shortly after posting this that November in Australia is a month where Male health and depression issues are promoted (Movember).
For every male reader that can relate to the seemingly endless door closing effect of natural aging that is explored here, please don't think you are alone. Every single male will experience some form of this process ! I would strongly advocate talking to someone, anyone be they male or female, related or strangers. Just don't ignore it as it won't go away !
For every female that questions what is wrong with their suddenly distracted red blooded male, don't underestimate the difficulty of this situation for a guy to deal with. Depression respects no physical or mental boundaries, there is help out there but equally as in the story above consider the immediate environmental surroundings.
In Australia check out http://www.beyondblue.org.au
| 52 |
| Vote |
Shared on
Subscribe to this blog
Al Brunswick
Romance Writers
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Al Brunswick
Furious Bits
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Al Brunswick
Furious Bits
For that I thank you.