Blogging saved me.
March 1st 2007 05:06
Today has been a busy day, and unfortunately, the most exciting thing that happened was that I got my teeth polished.
This is why I don't have a lot of things to write about.
My life lacks substance that makes a life interesting to other adults. I keep telling myself that it will get better once both kids are older. That it won't all be Thomas the Train, and making beaded bracelets until you want to vomit. Yet, because of my children I get to experience many wonderful things. Like my three year old son running toward his sister, arms outstretched yelling "Sister! Sister!" and both of them tumbling into each others arms, both happy to be reunited after school.
I find myself just beaming upon my children every chance I get. Just watching them be, well PEOPLE is an amazing thing to me. Seeing Aislinn swing so high on the swings, watching Jonny twist down the slide head first like Superman. All these things bring me immense joy.
****Sap moment over******
Last night I was reading some of my old blog, the one I kept just becuse I liked to keep it, and I reread my entries before I went to the dr. They just screamed DEPRESSED!! Funny how you can look back on a part of your life and see all the signs, all the clanging bells, and ear splitting whistles. Almost everything a big blinking sign right in front of your fool face.
July 30th 2006
I have not been a happy camper as of late. Everything that comes out of my mouth has been crappy, negative whining. I am not happy about it at all. It's like I hear myself and I just want to yell "Shut up! Stop it!! No one likes a whiner"
I need to find inner peace, and fast.
I feel the turmoil within me. I know that I need to make positive changes in my life. I KNOW this but where to start? What do I do to get the life I had back at the first of the year? How much is enviroment? How much is self imposed? How much can I blame on Dh? How much is PMS? All these thoughts, all these things running through my head.
I just WISH I knew where to start. I wish I would get some sign, some message from above that says "Do THIS first and all the rest shall follow"
Once again my mind wanders toward talking to my dr, and maybe getting some medication. But, is that the "easy" way out? I don't know. I just want an answer and some help. I want to get up everyday and get moving and do what I know I need to get done. But, I just can't. I sit and watch tv or I play on the computer. The thought of washing the dishes, or cooking a meal is to overwhelming. To actually fold those clothes and put them away, exhausting. Is it a matter of just Flyladying it, and feeling better? Oh sure it works for awhile but, I can never ever stick with it. Story of my freaking life.
THat was one entry of two that day. I used to be a blogging bitch. I would sometimes make multiple entries in one day. My record has been six. Just long rambling enries about nothing, and everything. I'd rail against the world, my life, my family, then I would make a joke about something. Its the blog I think that kept me sane. It helped me get things out, it helped me gain perspective.
One thing I am grateful for tonight.... my blogs, the few that I have had. They saved me. I know they did. No matter how low I felt, no matter how angry I was, to have it there, whatever one it was at the time, to just sit and pound the keys until my fingers hurt, and my soul was spent. Until my tears dried, and my heart slowed down. Blogging was the silver lining to my depression. Had I not been depressed, I would have never ventured into as deeply as I did.
This is why I don't have a lot of things to write about.
My life lacks substance that makes a life interesting to other adults. I keep telling myself that it will get better once both kids are older. That it won't all be Thomas the Train, and making beaded bracelets until you want to vomit. Yet, because of my children I get to experience many wonderful things. Like my three year old son running toward his sister, arms outstretched yelling "Sister! Sister!" and both of them tumbling into each others arms, both happy to be reunited after school.
I find myself just beaming upon my children every chance I get. Just watching them be, well PEOPLE is an amazing thing to me. Seeing Aislinn swing so high on the swings, watching Jonny twist down the slide head first like Superman. All these things bring me immense joy.
****Sap moment over******
Last night I was reading some of my old blog, the one I kept just becuse I liked to keep it, and I reread my entries before I went to the dr. They just screamed DEPRESSED!! Funny how you can look back on a part of your life and see all the signs, all the clanging bells, and ear splitting whistles. Almost everything a big blinking sign right in front of your fool face.
July 30th 2006
I have not been a happy camper as of late. Everything that comes out of my mouth has been crappy, negative whining. I am not happy about it at all. It's like I hear myself and I just want to yell "Shut up! Stop it!! No one likes a whiner"
I need to find inner peace, and fast.
I feel the turmoil within me. I know that I need to make positive changes in my life. I KNOW this but where to start? What do I do to get the life I had back at the first of the year? How much is enviroment? How much is self imposed? How much can I blame on Dh? How much is PMS? All these thoughts, all these things running through my head.
I just WISH I knew where to start. I wish I would get some sign, some message from above that says "Do THIS first and all the rest shall follow"
Once again my mind wanders toward talking to my dr, and maybe getting some medication. But, is that the "easy" way out? I don't know. I just want an answer and some help. I want to get up everyday and get moving and do what I know I need to get done. But, I just can't. I sit and watch tv or I play on the computer. The thought of washing the dishes, or cooking a meal is to overwhelming. To actually fold those clothes and put them away, exhausting. Is it a matter of just Flyladying it, and feeling better? Oh sure it works for awhile but, I can never ever stick with it. Story of my freaking life.
THat was one entry of two that day. I used to be a blogging bitch. I would sometimes make multiple entries in one day. My record has been six. Just long rambling enries about nothing, and everything. I'd rail against the world, my life, my family, then I would make a joke about something. Its the blog I think that kept me sane. It helped me get things out, it helped me gain perspective.
One thing I am grateful for tonight.... my blogs, the few that I have had. They saved me. I know they did. No matter how low I felt, no matter how angry I was, to have it there, whatever one it was at the time, to just sit and pound the keys until my fingers hurt, and my soul was spent. Until my tears dried, and my heart slowed down. Blogging was the silver lining to my depression. Had I not been depressed, I would have never ventured into as deeply as I did.
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Summer Banks
Romance Writers
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
I've enjoyed the trip Sandi.
Sap moment. Stays.
Comment by Sandi
I enjoyed taking you on the trip my dear.