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Furious Bits - November 2006

The curse of the flip flops.

November 30th 2006 23:28
Yesterday, I was wearing flip flops, and shorts. Aislinn hadn't worn a jacket to school in a week. Regular homework rules went out the window while the weather was so nice, allowing both kids enough time to play outside before dark. Jonny was falling asleep every night before 8 pm from the fresh air. I BBQ'ed hamburgers, and was able to enjoy a night out on my deck, beer in hand, smoke from the grill wafting on the breeze.

Today, my deck is covered in ice. My charcoal I forgot to put up is now ruined. I dug out my gloves, and Jonny's hat. Yesterday it was 70 and today it was 28.


How quickly weather changes here in St. Louis. I got a call from Aisy's teacher saying they were dismissing early, I carefully nagvigated our slick streets, with all my windows covered in a quarter inch of ice. I had to drive with my windows down just to see. I couldn't open my side doors on my van, the kids had to get in through the front.

Back goes my other blanket on the bed so we don't freeze. Out comes the fleece pants, hats and jackets we said goodbye to two weeks ago. Up goes the thermostat. Down goes the coffee down my gullet, as I can't bear to have to drink cold water on days like this. On goes the socks on my feet, which I detest.

:igh::

It was just a perfect two weeks, and I guess I can't ask for anything more. A perfect end before Mr. Winter came blowing in.

I blame the flip flops. I knew I pushed it to far by wearing those out yesterday.
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Who's the baby here?

November 29th 2006 17:51
One thing I've learned since getting internet 8 years ago is this.....

*Takes sip of coffee to build suspense*

The internet is full of fucking babies.

There. I said it. People are always talking about the perverts of the internet, pedophiles, stalkers, men impersonating women who like to give it to men up the ass. Yes, don't get me wrong, those people are the scum of the internet. Fortuanetly, I do have a lot of contact with those kind of people. I frequent a different "genre" olf the internet if you will. A tamer bunch, but a bunch that is fraught with drama, and bickering.


Pray tell, what area of the net am I talking of? You'd never guess.

PARENTING message boards.

There you have it. You want to sit back and watch drama unfold almost on a daily basis? Go to a parenting message board.

Sometimes, I think the internet is attractive to those that weren't the "cool" kids in high school. (myself included) so they go to this great big place (internet) and act a little different than they would in real life. People who are usually combative and argumentative on the net, are probably big ole pussies in real life. They often reply to problem posts with "I would have kicked her ass" or "I would have told her to shove her head up her ass" or some other comment involving the placement of things in the ass. Yet, they will often forget they portray this type of personality online, so when they come seeking advice for a problem, and you're left scratching your head thinking.... "Why didn't you tell her to shove *insert item* up her ass?"

Another great personality type is the attention whore. Now the attention whore comes in many, many forms. Theycan be obvious, like people who post a new pic of their kids every week, or the prayer seeker, every time you turn around they're asking for prayers for their neighbors dog who has fleas They could be a negative poster. Like "Look at me, my life sucks" The worst are the people who pop in once a month to bring you down with all their bullshit going on in their lives, and then leave, never participating in the community. Then there's the "My kid is better than your kid" Often this is followed by a picture of the kid doing whatever better than your kid.

There is also the know it all.... someone who has the ANSWER to every fucking question under the sun.

The quote happy debater... .they like to quote everything you say, and then tell you why you're wrong. Their responses always push about 2 thousand words, with your words in neat little boxes with their responses underneath. Also, they like to quote about six billion different websites in response to the debate.

The quick draw replier.... this person is actually sad (and when I was depressed a while ago, I was like this) they sit online all day, and reply to EVERY single post as SOON as it pops up.

The bad speller/grammar person... they make your eyes bleed with every sentence they type.

The Spelling/grammar Nazi..... they hate the above type of person.

The person who thinks everythign is a popularity contest.


Sure, everyone is guilty of these things. I'm bad with getting freaked out with something, posting about it, realizing that my posts are WAY to over dramatic once I read the responses of "YOur BABY IS GOING TO DIE IFYOU DONT TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL" then sounding like a total asshole when I say "Well, I don't think its THAT bad, I'll just wait it out". I recognize this about myself, and I'm working on it.

I know a lot of my message board friends are reading this, and wondering if it's them. Probably not, no worries. We all know who in what group is what. It's never a secret, trust me.

But, the cool thing about parenting message boards, and the reason WHY I keep up with them, is that ultimately, you will find a great girl or two, or three, or four, or five. They make all those annoying people tolerable, and they will tell you if you're one of the annoying.

I guess everywhere you people are going to bother you, and you better believe I will blog about them.
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How to make decorative lawn deer... the way nature intended.

November 27th 2006 15:49
You think decorative lawn deer are man made? Yes, they are usually, but if left alone, they can breed on their own. Here is the story of Doey and Buck.....

The first sighting.
A male, wicker buck, spots a beautiful female.



This is the first sighting. Buck notices the long, lovely legs, her strong back, and....

Check out that ba dunk a dunk



he can't help notice that her hind quarters are quite luscious. He struts his stuff, and beckons her over. "Hey baby, what's your name?" "Doey" she giggles.

A few sips at the pond later, she can't keep her hooves off of him.



They play a few reindeer games, and then they snuggle in close, feeding off of each others warmth. Pheremones are a-flying folks. Pretty soon, the little lady starts feeling that special feeling. Buck senses it, and leans in for a kiss. His antlers aren't the only thing that are standing up, if you know what I mean.

The first kiss. Listen carefully, you may hear strains of "Endless Love"



The couple go back to Buck's bedding area in the woods. They drink some more, they snuggle, do some kissing and then next thing you know.....


*Bomp chicka bomp bomp*



OH!! That ain't right!

Who's your daddy? Say my name!


The next morning, Doey leaves the Buck's house in the same bow she had on yesterday. She does the walk of shame back to her place, bow askew, avoiding eye contact of her neighbors. She looks at herself in the mirror and thinks "You're such a whore!" She takes two Ambien and sleeps away her pain for the rest of the weekend.

Fast forward a few months later. Doey has "let herself go" she's sluggish and fat. She hasn't heard from thBuck in WEEKS. Rumor has it, he's taken up with a few other ladies here and there, ruttin' it up and spreading his seed all over town.

One day, while grazing with her family, the doe falls down on the ground panting. All of a sudden she screams in pain and to her horror THIS happens!
Can you imagine if they really WERE born with antlers? Youch!




Then... Oh my God! Not again!!

Didn't know the bows were formed in the womb didja?



Twins!! Oh my God, she was pregant?!? Her mom starts crying, and her dad rants and raves about having to take care of "bastard twins" when he was due for retirement soon. He yells "Thanks for ruining my life!!"

The doe, although shocked, falls instantly in love with her two beautiful fawns. When they start to nurse, she vows that she can make it on her own, Buck be damned.


Her father eventually calms down, and they settle into some sort of life. Her mom watches the fawns while Doe works as an animal prop at the Santa Display. If it weren't for her parents, she would be destitute. She hears about Buck here and there, but has grown stronger, and no longer fawns for him (excuse the pun). One day, while she's trying not to take a dump on the set, she looks over and who does she see? Buck, standing there with a bouquet of flowers, and two toy pine cones for the kids. He says "Oh Doey I am SO sorry. I just recently heard about our babies, and came over here right away. I know I was foolish, but I was just doing what nature intended. It's always been YOU I wanted. Take me back please. I want to be a father to our fawns."

Doey and Buck take it slow. They start a real courtship, and as time passes, Doey eventually introduces Buck to the fawns, Fawna and Darryl. Much to her delight, Buck falls instantly in love with his children. They eventually move into a cramped cave together, but Doey doesn't care. They're together, in love, and she has kicked her Ambien addiciton.
Life is good!!

The End.

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The story of the loney Thanksgiving Day Salad.

November 24th 2006 04:20
We had a salad every night with dinner when I was a kid. My mom always made a nice fresh salad. With lettuce, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, and carrots. No cheese, or croutons, or bacos, or ham. For a kid who hated veggies, (like me) this was the most detested part of dinner. My parents MADE us eat the salad. Also, they didn't get good salad dressings, like ranch. We got Italian dressing, and if we were lucky, french. Ever eat italian salad dressing with a canker sore or chapped lips? Take it from me, it burns like a mutha.

I did every trick in the book to get out of eating the salad. Pushed it around my plate, hid it under stuff, spitting it into a napkin. I don't know if my parents ever caught on, but man did I fucking hate the salad. Even now the thought of my moms salad when we were kids, makes me gag a little. When she cut up the onions, green peppers, and tomatoes, she cut them in these humongous chunks. So there was no way to get around getting the full flavor of each veggie. Ugh. I think I threw up a little in my mouth


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"Get the belt, Ma! These sum bad ass kids"

November 22nd 2006 16:12
When I was growing up, my parents had a very set guidelines on what they expected us as kids. It went something like this....

If you interupt me.... get the belt


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The penis in the bed goes bump bump bump.

November 22nd 2006 02:33
MATURE CONTENT
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Karate chop to the wallet.

November 21st 2006 05:26
We're not poor by any means. We have two cars (one older and both paid off) a motorcycle (not paid off) we have insurance on all things that need to be insured, we have food, and we have decent clothes. Looking at us, you'd see a normal, lower middle class family. We get all our clothes from Target, Wal-Mart and wherever else there is a sale.

One of the hardest things to find the money for is extra curricular activities for our children. We do not make a lot of trips to Chuck E Cheese, we don't take them on big outings. This is the first year my daughter has done anything sport related, which she hated. She has shown some interest in martial arts. I'm sure the interest comes fromm equal parts of Dad (used to be a 3rd degree brown belt) SpongeBob and his Ka Rah Tay! and Xioalin Showdown. Tony has always said he'd like for his kids to do martial arts. Also, let's face it, anything that can make Aislinn focus, and show some control is a good thing


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To Ali in Melbourne.....

November 18th 2006 18:00
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist giving you your own entry, because I didn't want you to not miss my response to you. As much as this is going to piss my sister Correen off (she is irked that I have yet to "write" about her LOL) I just had to.

I am CRACKING UP because the name of my blog "Furious bits" comes from the Sims 2 loading screen. It's not on there anymore because of the expansion packs and all, but on the original Sims 2 down at the bottom, where the funny little phrases scroll? There was one phrase "Infuriating furious bits" that always made me chuckle. When I started to blog on www.blogger.com the name of my blog was "Infuriating furious bits" which I shorted to "furious bits" when I moved to Orble


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Gotta love the Dad.

November 17th 2006 18:11
My dad is the typical man's man. He loves sports in any shape or form (except golf). When he couldn't play on local softball teams anymore because he couldn't find a full body brace to hold all his parts together, he started umping. We grew up with our dad playing 14 games of softball a week. We practically lived at the ball park. He fishes when he can, he watches Ultimate fighting and boxing, he's into cars, and motorcycles, and all thing that reek of testerone. This is a man that had 3 daughters, and the most girliest wife on the planet. Irony at it's finest, folks, it don't get any better than that.

Dad tried. He tried to understand our girly ways. He never got it. Dad was never the type of dad that would sit and play tea party. Hell to the nah. He'd take you out and throw the ball around, or take you for a ride on his motorcycle (which I'm pretty sure would be frowned about in our overly safe and cushy world). He would rough house and tickle, but for the most part after a certain age, we left him alone, and he pretty much recipocated. He had nothing in common with us, and we just all left it at that. He didn't care about Barbies, or what was going on in the BabySitters Club book: Stacey Gives Birth in the School Bathroom. His attempts to be "down" with the uterus clique that was our home, was often met with embarrassment, disdain, or giggles


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30th birthday confession.

November 16th 2006 19:49
I have a confession. I am a bad friend. I don't call people, or keep in touch like I should, I never send birthday, Easter, Halloween cards, although I do send Christmas cards. I can't even drop an email to say hey what's up. Even if I've been thinking of someone, and they call, I rarely answer. The other day was my best friends birthday. His birthday is a measly THREE days before mine, and I forgot to call him to wish him Happy Birthday.

I realize that friendships need nurturing. I've allowed the few friendships I have dwindle to almost nothing. I convince myself that it's because I'm tired of this one always complaining about her life, or that one is just to competitive, or the other one is just so boring. What it boils down to though really is that I am a selfish person. I'm not even saying that in a self loathing way. It's the truth. I don't have enough time, patience or need to nurture friendships in this point in my life. I have a husband and two kids. I have my mom, dad, sister all within 5 miles of me, and another whp's off at college just 25 miles away. I don't even see THEM that often. I like MY house, and sitting in MY underwear, watching MY tv, and being with MY family


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Give me normal any day.

November 16th 2006 04:05
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be the BIG 3-0 I guess some would expect me to wax poetic about how life is nothing more than a fleeting hummingbird flitting through the flowers of life. My thought on the whole turning thirty thing is....

Eh. Whatever


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Depression sucks.

November 14th 2006 19:20
I've been fighting a mini depression the last few days. I don't know exactly what triggered it, but I have been feeling very blah, extremely tired, and rather snappish and short tempered. I hate when I feel like this. The only thing I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. I've been trying to keep myself occupied today with cleaning, but I just can't do it anymore.

When I am depressed I sit and stare a lot. I can function. I don't cry or weep, I just either sleep, yell, or stare. I'll sit in the living room and just stare off into space, just doing nothing. I'm not catatonic, just quiet


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In honor of MY Veteran.

November 11th 2006 01:53
My husband got to stay home today for Veterans Day. We both completely forgot about this holiday, and since it falls on a Saturday this year, he got today off instead. It was a nice surprise for us.

I am very proud of my husband. He has been serving in the Navy for 9 years now, and plans on leaving when they make him. and in honor of my Veteran, I'll tell the story on how we got to be a Navy family


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Turn the TV off and just be!

November 9th 2006 20:12
There's one thing I don't have. That's a tv in my living room. I know that some people aren't able to put their tv anywhere else BUT their living room (that's how it was growing up) but, now that we have a basement family room, I decided NO tv in the living room.

You'd be surprised how many times I've had people come over and comment on this apparant phenomenon. They always look around quizzically and say "You don't have a TELEVISION?" in a voice that implies that I don't have a clue as well. I always say "Yes, I do have a television, one downstairs in our family room, and one in our bedroom. Just two. The kids used to have one, but someone of the pint sized nature, shoved a bunch of crap in the VCR part, and ruined it. That actually turned into a blessing in disguise. The kids were watching WAY too much tv.
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What would you do?

November 9th 2006 05:20
Ugh! Why me?

Aislinn wants a Tekno Robot Puppy for Christmas. She said she was going to ask Santa for it. I checked them out and they're $50. They start selling out pretty quickly. I went ahead and buy one from ToysRus.com who has recently split from Amazon.
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You don't want to read this one.

November 8th 2006 15:53
Yesterday, my daughter had the day off, as her school was closed for the election. Being the slacker mom I am, I didn't make it out of the house to vote before Tony left for work. What time did he leave for work? Ummmmmm 11. What time did I get up? When he kissed me goodbye to go to work..... at 11. Yeah, I know. I'm turning thirty in 8 days, yet I still can sleep like a fucking teenager. Then I continued to slack the day away, although I was technically busy doing Christmas shopping online. I got the kids finished for Christmas. Has there ever been anything invented as freaking cool as the internet?

I expected the kids to be all whiny and crabby, and wanting to like DO things with me, but they were pretty cool and left me alone. I appreciated that, so much so that when I walked into the family room and saw a whole bag of shredded cheese all over the carpet (I had to go and get the fancy, finely shredded shit too!) I didn't fuss much. I just cleaned it up. My motto is whatever it takes to shut your pie hole, and leave me alone, is fine by me


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I am woman hear me roar.

November 6th 2006 03:07
I like getting my nails done. I think it's one of the best reasons to have a vagina. We women need SOMETHING to look forward too. Our lives are usually filled with sucky things like, not getting paid as much as men do in the work force, pushing a mans big fat headed baby out of our hoohas, periods, pms, and ridiculously long lines just to hover over a urine spotted toilet while we're at some dumb ass sporting event with our men. We have getting our nails done, and shoes to live for. Oh, yeah, and our familes I guess. Heaven would be 24 hour spa/shoe store, and all the cute styles in a wide.

It's funny what women will go through to look good. Tweezing, plucking, waxing, drilling, bleaching. Which often can leave use hurting. Don't have the new girl do your hair coloring or your nails. You could walk out with a chemical burn on your scalp, or bleeding cuitcles. I've even been known to cram my foot in a shoe that was too narrow for my toes. Once, I bought a new pair of cheap shoes (mistake number one) walked around on Beale St. in Memphis in them (mistake number two) and then got so drunk, I didn't really feel the pain until I started to sober on the walk home, which was WAY to long to walk around in new, cheap shoes. (mistake number three) I lost a toenail from the night. That's right. A toenail suffocated in my pinched shoes, and was black by the next morning. I lost the whole toenail a few weeks later. I ddn't stumble in them, or hit a toe, my shoes were just too tight.
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I drank my big ole cup of bitter this morning.

November 3rd 2006 16:57
Here I sit.
Here I wait.

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This year's Christmas sponsered by Lilly, makers of Cymbalta.

November 2nd 2006 04:01
So, Halloween is officially over, and you all know what that means? Out comes the Christmas stuff full force in the stores. Some of it has been out for a while, but duh da duh duuummm!! (that was the sound of angel blowing its toot horn) it's officially here. Here to wipe away the ghouls and ghosties from our minds, white washing our holiday spirit with snow, and candy canes, Santa and the reindeer. Oh come ye Merry Gentlemen and be ye confused on whether this year it will be ok to say Merry Christmas, or if you should still stick with Happy Holidays. I'm of the Happy Holidays Camp, but then again I am borderline heathen by marriage.

Usually this time of year, for lack of a better phrase, sucks a big fat donkey dong for me. This is the time of year where I usually feel really down. I'm always stressed about money, and what I'm not getting my children. I always feel like a failure around Christmas. Those of you who have followed me for awhile may remember a lot of "bah humbugs" and "Fuck this Jolly Santa shit" this time last year. I think last year I did a rant about the rip off at the Santa pictures place in the mall. Fuckers. Ooooh don't get me started


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